My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I want to make a zoo with you.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
