I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
