Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
