I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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