So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
