he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
