i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
