Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
