Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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