allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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