I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
