News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
