He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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