I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
