Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
