Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
