oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You've changed since you got that strap on
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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