Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
