This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
