i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
the condom got lost in my hair
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
