M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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