A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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