i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
