2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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