Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
and she was petting her beer can
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
