i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
i am craving dick and cupcakes
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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