ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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