oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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