the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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