you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
