I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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