I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
