Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
