I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
