It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
