I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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