Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
