So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
