Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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