took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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