Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
