i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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