All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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