I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
