i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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