Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
