I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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