So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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