seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
