i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
