The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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