Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
